Little did I know his ex was a codependent strung along for nearly a decade. I know that I wanted the school year to end but being apart from you is not what I had in mind. So we see the damaged person still walking around cloaking their pain and we feel for them. Particularly w/ timingwhile there is no specific time frame or predictive behavior about how narcs gauge how much time is enough time before returning, Ive had seen instances where some have shown up about 6 months after they pull away and acting as if what theyve done, said or why they decided to pull away, mattered. A narcissist might use specific tools and tactics to induce others with negative thinking. 1. He started putting likes on my posts on Instagram. . Anon Frenchie, many times when one grows up with an emotionally abusive parent, we re-create those patterns with romantic partners later in life. This morning I was talking about inequality issues with a school setting, and some research I thought would apply. I do not say this lightly, I wish I could say I saw through him much earlier. It's a personality trait. And this wasnt just in the beginning..he was this way consistently for the entire two years we were together. Guess it didnt matter to the police that I had marks all over my body and I was actually bleeding on my arm. Also, my ex rarely put me down as well, and quite often spoke highly of me both to my face and to others (from what I gather). It has been 3 weeks now of No Contact and on a weekly basis the phone rings and a text is sent trying to make a connection to me. I have realised that I had The Narcs guy..He appeared on fb.. freinded and went all out to say he adored me etc.. then on to online erotica..bdsm ..he was coming to me in uk.. and what an amazing life we will have for years..I was so deeply in love ..he was the drug I had always wanted and boy he knew it..Then after online erotica no messages for a week or 2..the crunch came when I went to NYC..he was coming he could not wait for it.. yep guess what he never came to me..he went to local bar for the night.. he told people he was scared of me..wtf I think he did not want me to see the real him..and yes I found out he had other ff in waiting.. after 4 months of hell. Now, you're left feeling confused and searching for reasons as to why they changed . I had left my narc on a not good note. She did not lash out in extremely mean ways, or ever cut herself (from what I am aware of) but everything else screams BPD. There was a place that was open and never seemed to be fulfilled before but youre doing a great job of filling it. Understand that I was replying specifically to Matt. He said basically, youre describing a sociopath; Im not a liar and Im not crazy. Slowly they will forget about you and move on. On the anniversary of his mothers death he sent a text to remind me. Anon, what it means iswhen a person is the target of an emotional abuser, they lose their sense of identity. Believe me! I apologize or Im sorry without actions matching for a long time are not true sorries Cling on to your gut which is Get Out!!! His phone would be carried into the shower and restroom at all times and turned off at night. She brought it up, and seemed happy that she was going to be sending me half of it. I was surprised to learn these things about myself because I always thought that I had a healthy love for myself. Theyll try and convince you that your friendship would be perfect, you might not have worked out as lovers, but youd sure make the best of friends. A extremely stressful time in med school. I am in the very beginning stages of leaving my narcissistic Abuser. I was convinced that walking away would somehow make her the winner (we were like rivals at one point). This thought helps me in my recovery because it gives me all the answers I need. I understand where youre coming from, but the frustrating truth is that each time you reach out to him it gives him validation that he is still on your mind and he derives great enjoyment from having the opportunity to tell you that its over. Glad to know Ive helped in some small way, Stephanie. Then we agree to have a LAT relation But he never visit me in my new home. Matt, you need to block her on FB. So I met with him on Monday. I am shocked at myself..I am savvy.. but his lies and deception shone through and good luck to his new GF ..he wants women with high profiles to further himself.. and I had many contacts.maybe getting so distraught and phoning his Mom was not a good idea.. but hey he said he had his own home yes lies lies lies.. never ending. Hi Kim ,Ive been with my narcissist for seventeen years two teenagers I have sole custody ,had order of protection ,domestic violence center never helped me I just lost all my marital assets in divorce settlement ,plus I have to pay him off a lot of money that I dont have he just got a huge settlement from his personal injury case ,can you explain to me why the court let the narcissist to get away with all the lies ,I almost lost my custody because I asked for more child support, Im so disappointed with the court system for the last four years Ive been calling all the possible organizations for help all I heard we cant help you you have to hire a lawyer and I did so my ex called my lawyer even when he had his own my question is how bad you have to be hurt by a narcissist to get help from the system, I work part time and I have to pay off a soon to be a millionaire. Youll discover that you can fly, and theres a flock of us ready to encourage and support you. His schedule does not allow for consistency.I apologize for the length and the mess that this submitted story is, but may I thank you for having this and giving me a voice and a way to air this. Thank you. The narcissist has no real identity, only an illusion of themselves built on their ability to control other people. Youre already at rock bottom so this is the perfect time to start. How to Know If a Narcissist is Finished with You: 9 Sure Signs. Remember, they start our trying to be what you want and then show their true colors over time. He started popping pain pills right after the third year. So they know exactly what they are doing !!.. What a typically thing to do for a N!!! I sent my best wishes and he took that as a reason to go one step further. AMONGST 14 OTHER PPL. Get better at playing his game than he is. One thing makes her angry and shes blocked me and gone. Im sorry for your pain. She told me they are friends first and foremost, that their relationship is not based on sex and the honeymoon period has not started yet. Im sure the new girl has questioned him about this and of course they can spin it to look like you were the b-tch all along or that you are jealous of his new love but one day she will see the truth and my guess is she has already and will be adding 2 and 2. He was emotionally and verbally abuse telling me to shut up, the world would be a better place if I couldnt talk. In order to prove your love to a narcissist, you must surrender all power and control to them and become a real-life marionette, whose only purpose is to enhance the narcissists false image, take care of their every need, and accept their self-serving abuse. How they can be so cruel to someone who cared. This man left our family in shambles I dont even want to look at him let alone joke around with him. let them back in in anyway and you will find yourself back at Day One, curled up in a fetal position. Think about that before you break NC. Is he really done? Granted, we spoke on the phone all the time, but you see what I am getting at. Someday, it may be you on the other end of that hoover calculation theyre making. So we might all be HURTING REAL BAD right now but as much as it hurts & oh boy does it hurt & each & every one of you out there will know exactly what that feels like, I personally would rather be me & hurt this much than be like one of them !!.. I dont reflect his favorite version of himself back to him anymore, and I think he worries that he will have to face a more reality based version when he sees me now. Your ex blocked you on all social media and you gave up all hope of ever talking again. Im sure he has convinced himself I am no good and he is better off..that way his ego can live with being dumped. I also recognize the peace I feel would not be if we were anything more than what we are. I was the one who had changed. CRAZY TOWN!!!!! My take has always been that because he needs for everything to appear okay to make himself look good then of course he wants you to smile and act nice and be friends. All he wants is someone to give him supply whether good for bad. SIGN UP FOR MY HEALING PROGRAM AT A JUICY DISCOUNT:https://bit.ly/NEWLIFE30Article: Do You Sabotage Yourself With The Grey Rock Method? At that point, thats the one thing the narcissist can never take from you againno matter what he or she decides to do after that. When you meet the right girl, she will do right by you, not just because you are so great, but because she is so great inside and holds herself accountable to her own strict moral compass. When I finally put my foot down and opened my own bank accounts because I was tired of him keeping us broke I was being selfish. Your ex has discerned that he or she went too far with the blocking and changed his or her mind about you. When she was depressed or on a come down, she would agree. So, the narcissist will think things like, Finley truly worshipped me like the angelic being that I am, Charlies got some work to do. Then theyll start calling and texting you, trying to gain access to some of that good supply once more. It is a shock to one to realize that you were not in the real world at age 60. And in my mind it feels like if he walks behind me or is somewhere els in the shop. It really takes a long time to process this stuff. He talked incessantly about everything..why people behave the way they do and how childhood impacts negative behaviors, blah blah. Lilli, I am just now able to read your comment. Even tho I know his MO I still get hurt by the things he says and he has this ability to make me question everything I know to be true about him. He kept trying to convince me that i was the crazy one and he is not a liar and not crazy. I want just to correct things and ease my memory of those wronged, then disappeared. He is 42 and has had a string of relationships that always endI miss talking to fault and and spending time together. Theyll start being overly nice by buying you gifts, and taking you out. In the last six months I found out she had been back in contact with a family friend who was a millionaire. It was not until I stumbled on this term that I am thinking he is. Maybe its just a matter of time he contacts me again. I was, am, the scapegoat. We had been to many counselling sessions I alone went. I am in the same boat. We know his modus operandi as well that hes a narc. What confuses me the most is how my ex tries to get me to contact him first before he would, say hallo usually by text. I dont doubt it was a sad day or that he even missed me a little..but I also know that he probably PLANNED to msg me on that day to illicit the sympathy from me. Acting as if the world revolves only around them. Another thing to note is that while he didnt acknowledge the negative things I pointed about his character, I snooped and noticed that he has made some changes in his online life. He swore he was totally loyal to me.yeaaa right! I met this wonderful woman who rocked my world we we both 29. .they disappear after they have disclosed too much. Being in his presence makes me feel sick to my stomach even after all this time!! Thanks Kim, could it be because he is about to lose the family home and go bankrupt. But.. after three days of loving promisses and announcements,` I do antything what i can to make this relation better bla bla, i never want to lose you, you are the best in my live. They're ignoring you and making themselves inaccessible to you. Id say, as a survivor, that the important thing is to work on healing ourselves as opposed to trying to understand Narcissism so deeply. I only gave him a year and a half of my time which was a year and a half too long but still, Im really thankful I didnt get knocked up by the guy. Maybe a couple of conversations will be amazing, but dont let on they are. Watch out. He saw my strong, independent nature as a threat..that I would leave him. Kim, I wanted to get your opinion on something. Narcs are about as predictable as flies on dog poo. Mine caused me two years of terror before divorcing me. The more I read about narcissists, the more I am amazed at what I put up with and how deeply I was manipulated. He answered a text once. I havent commented on this board in a while. No one can ever take that, Hold your head up high We separated in August 2012 four days after our daughters 7th birthday after him striking me so hard I thought hed broken my jaw/cheekbone. Wake up and be true to yourself! I didnt until I met mine. My ex used to brag about how well he and his ex got along. Great for recovery, its just since you want to know, I feel, so much what exactly her problem is, just google sites, recognising the proper name for the cluster, also Manipulative People by Dr. George K. Simon. I cant take his shit anymore and Im tired of feeling violated and sick with anxiety anytime he calls or texts. It has been 9 months. Im a widow too and hes the nieghborhood handyman. And not fair to myself. yes, he is fearful of my presence and tells the kidss, I dont want your mother anywhere near me, lol. -Condescending attitude toward partner, condescending tone Why feel the need to approach and tell me this info and come to me with a crazy offer????? The first time we have no contact for such a long time. Commentdocument.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "ae63d58ae3cf78a4a74a207253d331cb" );document.getElementById("i2dc42b6e0").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Alexander Burgemeester has a Master in Neuropsychology. or wherever he was getting his rocks offthat i couldnt tell youwell, admittedlyi flew into a rage and saw redthat night as he slept, i decidedly, without words, wanted to express to him my new found discovery of his hidden true colors by taking a large Vaseline Jar to his yummy treasures hed been enjoyingbc he certainly wasnt enjoying mei put on a glove and swabbed it with a huge goop of the greasy mixture and smeared it all over the inside of this gym bagYou might be saying to yourself, that was a little high-schoolish and immature and irresponsible, well maybe but I suppose i had reached a point of now return and this was my breaking point after years of abusebut in hindsight, he couldve killed me for pulling a stunt like thatI will never forget the 5am reaction while i lay motionless and breathless in my bedi heard him rise, get ready for his ritualistic morning routine for getting to the gym, the sound of movement became less vague, more pronouncedthen under-your-breath slurs shes a bitchheavy foot-steps, then a crash thru my locked bedroom doorgrabbed me out of my bed and thru me against the walltook both hands and smashed everything on my bureau mirrored vanityglass everywherethen looked me straight in the eye with his hands tightened around my neck and announces.your outta hereheavy abuse followed this incident which was planned and premeditated in getting me evicted from my home we shared even so far as to accuse my mental state, which i have to admit was affected by this mans abuse by pushing me past my limits which is what would happen to any sane person at the hands of a NARC like thisnot long after this occurred he set me up and had police arrest me under the guise i was a harm to myself and my child which he used as leverage and weaponry to execute his planhow sick someone could do this to another human being is beyond me while never being able to admit it is himself that is the damaging element in this volatile relationship, all along! She stated to me she had know idea what the situation was, but when she found out she was upset and removed herself from the situation. Well, the first thing youll want to do is make sure you file for custody. I responded and got no reply. Youd think by now these Narcs would come up with a new algorithm. Congrats on ur joirney to recovery, Your email address will not be published. Im worried he wants revenge. I had heard that Narcs dont know what they are but I think deep down they do. My ex really really did try harder with me and I know this for a fact but it was always precipitated by me dumping him. A couple of minutes later, he got in his truck and leftno goodbye, see ya or anything not that I expected it. You can check out my healing tools here on the site for starters. He has that spiritual persona and everyone thinks he is so wise and enlightened. He only neglected me, ignored me, lied over and over again, and all other behaviour narcissists have. I would like to share my story in details but Im at work now and just wanted to say that myself too been in a relationship with a Narc for almost 2 years but recently discovered what exactly is wrong with her No contact now for 2 months and started to learn about narcissism and NPD in the past month. He knows its a matter of time that i will be on my feet again. Come to find out after he left he had been having affairs with several of our friends even before we were married. I really hope she gets hers in the end. Pretty much Im trying to get those ducks lined up because I see the end in my not so distant future. Ok nw i feel miserable and have to take myself up. They never change and will just do their best to suck you in and hurt you all over again. Then he hated me and even hit me twice and choked me once. I can relate, big time! You cant imagine how many of us went (or are still going) through the same hell as you This blog is one of the best I have ever found since I woke up in 2007, for reliable, thorough, and most of all not judgmental info. He lost. It could go either wayeither he wants you as supply, or he wants revenge and is preparing for a painful and harrowing discard. I found that telling mine that I had figured out he was a Narc/Sociopath scared him off. But, then he was back. So, having read on all these since 2009 so far, I concluded, THIS IS MY VERY SUBJECTIVE CONCLUSION, I WOULDNT TELL ANYONE TO TAKE THIS AT THE FACE VALUE.. all Cluster B disorders COME WITH NPD ANYWAY. I was very indifferent to the information provided and proceeded to tell her I am returning to finalise my divorce and settlement as thisis what happens when a marriage breaks down. It seems almost abstracted now that so much time has passed and its me who seems absurd talking about the specifics of what happened. When questioned he would get angry and evasive. Thats my new motto Life begins after No Contact You can do this. What did i find? 3. She is either NPD or extreme BPD, but disordered for certain. So dear friend I understand how difficult when it appears to the rest of the world that you have a great partner and marriage when you know the reality of it all. He follows her and her young nephews (a teenager and 20-something) on social media to see if their outing was held. She sees that we only deal with him when we have to and even then he is difficult. Most of his are either a request unrelated to parenting (which I ignore) or replies to me with another question [is that all you wanted?, are you saying that ()?] when I expected a yes or no and he hates that I dont reply. Now, I feel that if one is to be a friend, that they might want to extend their friendship to me as well. And there is a scared inmature little person who is scared of live and everything in it. Child is best for child and for you in Abuse and CoDependency Recovery going through similar I am not an expert but serious watch this lady Lisa A Romano (married twice to 2 Narcissists and watch Ross Rosenburg counselor super aware too). He denied it for 9 months trying to convince me I was crazy. I read once that the nice narcs are truly wolves in sheep clothing. He also seemed to get off on the attention he would receive on FB from him almost all female friends list. He looked hurt but Im glad I was able to say that to him because it provided closure for me. But if a new love interest starts making you feel uncomfortable, becomes condescending, or asks you to change things about yourself, theyre outta there! I had a difficult time. I need the help and pushed the other friends faraway. `. Then, the narcissist will go to all your mutual friends, and if theyre really brave, your family members and start telling them how much of a terrible partner you were and how they suffered at your hands. Another part of the equation is the fact that, in my experience, every person I work with (and myself included) is or have been highly codependent. I see signs that I never would have recognized before my own experience. Pray to Jesus Carole. The narcissists jealousy may even lead them to try and sabotage your new relationship by spreading rumors about you or your new partner. Suing her for $43,000. Hes a lost cause unfortunately. . The person who repeatedly hurts you is who he really is. Stay strong and dont give in! As convincing as it may seem, this is simply the narcissist trying to hoover you back into a toxic relationship with them. So, she had all the tools; looks, charm, compliments, flattery, pretty good intelligence overall, and seemed to have a caring heart. just to see how later she would emotionally and physically abuse me and turning everything on me. They can be so sweet and giving when they want to, yet completely break your heart when it often matters most. Like a predator he catches me. We left without saying goodbye. Told him finally that I want to move on and hearing from him was preventing that and causing me pain. He began making friends unknown to me and did not include me on outings. Much can be revealed. If we argue its ok if we do it for a little bit to vent or whatnotsure.. Thank you for this post. Reading Suggestion: The Narcissist Discard phase. So I felt your words and enjoyed reading you this morning. We talked he told me he would change . That brokenness that we originally recognized is still there and it is just not fixable by mankind. 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